Nana's stay

I cried so much when my mom left this morning. And I honestly can't explain why. It was a mix of a few things: the emotions of becoming a mother; the appreciation of her help; nerves of the unknown...what if something comes up that I don't know how to do?; love and am understanding for her as my mother; gratitude for all the things she did yo us, gratitude for her loving Conley so deeply and taking care of him so well; sadness that she was leaving and wouldn't be closeby anymore. And probably lots of other things that I can't explain. She did so much for us and gave us so much. Like a little stand to make more room under our bathroom sink and on our kitchen cupboard. Laundry. Diaper changes. Holding Conley. Every meal. Lots of groceries. A baby blessing outfit. Lunch and dinner out. Cleaning. It was amazing. She is so amazing. She rocks at being a mom, and I didn't even really know to what extent, maybe until now.

And she loved Conley. She said he had an "old spirit" and that he was a strong spirit and chosen and valiant and whatnot. It was sweet. And she cried when she said bye to him. 

What We Do, How We Do

First Month!

And it really has been the best month of my life. I can't get over how sweet Conley is. Most of the day (when he isn't sleeping), he will lie on the changing table, or my lap, or the bed and wiggle and look around, totally content. I love him. Yesterday he was one month old! I can't believe it. And I listened to myself say things I heard adults say growing up, but that I never understood: "I didn't tell you you could grow bigger! You didn't have permission. You need to stay this size forever. I don't want you to grow bigger!" I really don't! He is so sweet and cuddly and small and wonderful. I don't want him to change. And I can't believe these little onesies are getting tight on him.

But each little new thing, each development is so wonderful, despite my not wanting him to ever leave this precious, really precious newborn stage. Like this week he has started smiling with his eyes open, smiling with intent. It is so sweet and it fills my heart up so fast. He also is amazing at eye contact, and he really does recognize me. I walked into the apartment while he was crying yesterday, and as soon as he heard my voice, he stopped crying and looked around to locate it. So sweet. I try not to let myself get too excited about that, mostly because I don't want it to be in my head and because I don't want to make Joseph feel left out. But I never knew how good it would feel to have a little wonderful thing know you and love you and need you and adore you. It's great:). 

Here are a few pictures from yesterday. I love the one where he is grinning a little and his finger is held up, as though he were saying, "I'm one month old today!"

How (and to Whom) I Show Gratitude

Boasting in God

I have a lot of things to be grateful for, and a lot of incredible blessings in my life. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable talking about them to others, like I am going to make them feel bad. That may be the discomfort isimilar to Ammon and Aaron's conversation about boasting in the flesh versus boasting in God. Somebody might mistake my gratitude or expression of all of my blessings as boasting in my strength. When it really is boasting and rejoicing in the blessings Heavenly Father has given me. Blessings that I don't deserve and don't understand why he is given them to me. I'm realizing that may be my mission in life is to express that gratitude to God, and then express it to others humbly and only when I feel prompted to do so. I think I am so blessed because I need to use my blessings and talents and gifts and perspective on life to bless and lift others, kind of like my patriarchal blessing says about sharing love to others and being a beacon of light to the world. I'm realizing that the gratitude that I feel and the magnitude of my blessings are both sacred, and I need to keep it that way and often keep it between me and Heavenly Father. 

I really do feel so grateful and humbled by how happy and content I am with Conley.