School started for three of the four of us

 School started. Me, Eloise, and Conley. With Conley being apart from me six hours a day, a few things happen that are even more meaningful than they might be if I were with him all day:

• He wants me to snuggle with him at night. When I do, he sits up as I crawl up his loft bed ladder and waits for me with his arms outstretched. He wraps his arms around my neck and holds me so close.
• When we read a funny book or watch a funny movie and something just strikes him as funny, he giggles as though you just tickled him in the ribs. It's so cute. It just bubbles out of him like he can't control it. I love it so much. His face, which is usually somewhat serious, just look so happy and his smile is so big.
• Most recently, we were reading a Little Critter joke book. Darn. I just looked for it around the house so that I could type in the one that made him laugh. I think it was a pun. It was so cute, because he'd been pretty even-tempered at all the jokes, until that one. And then he just lost it in giggles.
• I walk him to school and home every day, and I love it so much. I walk him all the way to the gate and watch him walk down the walkway between buildings and then enter the doors. Sometimes, he holds the doors open for other kids. He always kisses me and hugs me before he goes in there, and when he comes back out.
• He's not crazy about school. (I went and did library time and then a story with his class yesterday, and I can understand why. It's just so chaotic; and much of the time doesn't seem purposeful or well spent.) Often, his sour for the day is "school," and his sweet is "coming home from school." He feels like school is too long. I agree; I wish there were other options.
• When I (and Eloise) read a book to his classroom, all the kids were sitting on a rug in the middle of the room. I told Eloise she could go sit by him. She did, and he put his arm around her for a bit. And then he scratched her back. Just kills me.
• Tonight at an Isotopes game, we noticed how one of the runners was super fast. He said, "Speaking of fast, that reminds me. I need to get in shape!" I laughed and asked him what for. He said, "For running!" Just running in general, not for t-ball or anything in specific. 
• He told me in the car yesterday (and believe me, I was hanging on his every word) that he's been passing notes back and forth with a (super sweet and adorable!) girl named Kahli. I said, "Oh! How exciting. What does the note say?" (Because he doesn't write much, and I'm not sure how much he can write, to be honest, because he doesn't really like it, so I don't force him to do it.) He said, "It says 'XOXOXO.'" He was kind of laughing too, and I couldn't hide my delight at the conversation and was laughing too. I said, "What makes you want to write that?" after he'd told me that he know what it meant, from stuff he'd seen me write. He said, "I don't know, I just wanted to." It was so funny and cute. And appropriate, like the situation: a cute, sweet girl in his class; they're assigned to sit next to each other; he feels like the natural next step is to write her a hugs and kisses note. I'm laughing. Gosh, he's cute.

sweet kids that take a long time for all things

 Here’s another journal entry. Things have been exceptional lately. I’m just so grateful for my sweet kids and I adore them. Eloise is more energy for me, but not too much and I think that Lexapro really heps with that. I do a lot of deep breathing around her. She’s really sweet most of the time and so funny and gosh the way she talks is so cute and funny and amazing. She has a lisp on her s’s. and her r’s are w’s. I just love it. When she has something to say and it comes out coherent and fluid, it always just blows me away how cute it is…it’s like a big girl with little girl mouth features and language skills. But yes she is very very particular. Her interests include doing what she wants at any time. It touches my heart when she gives in, though; it does happen. Probably once a day or so. I’ll explain something to her calmly, and she’ll says kind of dejectedly, “OK, Mom.” It’s really sweet. She’s a good girl. She and Conley take so long to get out the door and to get out of the car. I’m thinking I need to think of a mantra for that, like to deal with it. Like, “This is fine that it takes a while.” “I’m frustrated that this can’t move quickly ,and that’s OK.” I’m going to count to ten and se how many tens it takes.” Or think about it from their perspective. Like, “I am going to get my shoes on now, but I forgot that I brought this candy, so I’m going to try to open it, but it’s hard to open, so I’m going to as my mom, because hse is just standing there and is super available to help me.” I’m laughing.

I’m interested in auditioning to perform at Sawmill Market. I’m going to look at it once I get wifi, off the plane and during my layover in Denver. I’ll probably have Chanelle take some pictures of me or soehting and buy a new dress. I’m might need to do some recording to send them, or a live audition would be awesome. We will see. Once I get wifi.

 

Sunshine

 Eloise is my sunshine, even though she has pushed me a little more lately, it seems extra bad mostly because she has just been an absolute delight up until now. She still is most of the time. But when she's not, she's far from it. She is very three. The other night she woke up at 1 am because her tummy hurt and she wanted bubblegum medicine. So I got it out and opened the microwave for some light and she got so incredibly pissed, crying so loud, because I'd turned a light on. I poured some medicine, shut the microwave, and tried to give it to her. But she refused to take it. I had to pour it without the light on (after she spit it the first attempt out). And then she took it. Man, she's crazy. 

She says "Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!" over and over. To the point that sometimes I wonder if she is actually saying it on purpose to get my attention, or just because it's a habit or a space filler or something. She's really something else. 

But she does the sweetest things sometimes too.  She made up a song the other night when I was laying by her. Stuff like, "I like this, I like that, I like this, I love this." And more stuff that was just so cute and funny and amazing. I love her voice. It's so high-pitched and sweet. And her ch's are kind of like Sid the Sloth a little bit. And her s's are a little lisped, like Conley's. Tonight, I just looked at her sweet profile. Her cheeks are so soft and pink and smooth and round. And her libs are so beautiful and soft too. It's just so hard not to kiss her all the time.

She's giggle and funny. She was saying, "I'm hot!" So, I'd take the blanket off of her. Then, "I'm cold!" So I'd put it back on. And back and forth and back and forth over and over and giggling. 

She is sooo ticklish on her neck. Joseph plays this adorable game with her where he pretends something is on the ceiling so that she will look up, and then he tickles her neck. She is starting to predict it, though, so she will cover her neck with her hands or tuck in her chin and giggle, resisting the temptation to look up. It takes all she has not to!

Conley has been an angel lately. I feel like his young young boy stage, like post-toddler, slipped through my fingers, like I was watching sand fall through. Slipping away from me. I could see him growing before my eyes, just getting more mature and less dependent. Thankfully, he still loves me and wants and needs snuggles and hugs. It's my favorite when he comes up to me randomly throughout the day and hugs me. He loves those sweet, deep (and quick!) connections. He always wants me to come tell him tomorrow's schedule each night. He loves listening to Joseph read him chapter books at night. He is such a good teacher to Eloise and other kids; he teaches them how to do stuff in such a patient way. He has good suggestions and presents them in gentle ways. Whenever get gets a snack, he gets two--one for him and one for Eloise. They work out problems pretty well together. It usually ends up in giggles. Homeschooling him, for the majority of the time, makes me want to pull my hair out. He lays on the ground, rolls around, takes forever to complete stuff. Eye roll. Me teaching him isn't that effective, I think.

Joseph: "While we were dirt bike riding last week, Eloise was just singing: 'I love riding! It's so fun! Faster, Dad!' The kids have so much fun when we look at houses." 

My little Christlike boy

 Conley said a very touching thing yesterday. Eloise woke up with a "wobbly" tummy, and I knew she would eventually throw up. When she did, we were walking down the hall to the bathroom. Conley was by us, and when he saw her little body force itself to throw up, he said sincerely, "Oh, I wish it could be me." I told him how sweet that was. And he just said, "It hurts so much." It was so sweet and made my eyes a little misty.

Later, he made a stack of books that she liked for me to read to her. The top one was a Frozen book, and after that was a ballerina one. He picked them out especially for her, each from different shelves in the playroom. He really has missed her the last couple days, just her not being around for him to play with. He asks, "Is Eloise awake?" or "Where's Eloise?" a lot. I can tell he misses his little buddy. He's understanding when he asks me to do things and I say I'm going to stay here and hold her or whatever.

I hope you remember

 A note to myself:

I hope you remember how, while reading to a sleepy Eloise on the bottom bunk, and listening to Joseph's soothing and quieted voice on the top bunk, there was a pause while Joseph checked his phone briefly to see where the OU game was, and Conley said, "They got it? Oh, yes!" It doesn't take much for him to get excited about OU stuff; all he needs is to watch Joseph do it.

I hope you remember how Eloise told you how to rub her back, knowing that she would soon fall asleep I hope you remember how her hair glowed in the little light that was in the room just the one from Joseph's flashlight or phone light from the top bunk. I hope you remember how sad she was when we told her she couldn't bring water into her room in her play dishes. How serious of an issue it was to her. 

I hope you remember how Conley wanted to read history and science books, the same kind I would get lost in for a while and wish I understood and remembered everything. He said, "I want to have Conley-Mama time and read books." And he picked an anatomy book first and wanted to learn about muscles and movement, and then the body overall. Then he got a book that has images from the twentieth century in it and he wanted to read every page he stopped on. And when Eloise saw the page with two kids (immigrant toddlers standing in front of a door on Ellis Island in the early 1900s), Eloise said, "Dese po childwen not have families" in such a somber voice. 

Lately I've been living in a dream

 Me and Joseph wrote this together.

J: Sunday afternoons on the tramp has been so fun. Last week it was me and Conley, because Eloise was sleeping. And we just had so much fun playing games. He just laughs and plays; and they're like in their element (today was Eloise and him). Eloise was in a dress and it was cold, and I knew it was cold but she didn't wanna get off the trampoline. So every time I asked her if she was cold, she said no, but I knew she was. And then when we got off to take a break, she said, "Dad, I'm cold! I'm cold!" Today, I pretended to run fast away from Conley, when we were playing the dinosaur game, and I just did high knees and pretended to be running fast. I was just moving my legs fast, but not really going fast. And it hit his funny bone. He just laughs and has so much fun. When we first got out, Conley just wanted to play outside. He wanted to play tag, and he said, "Whoever uses all of their energy first, wins." He just wants to play. We do a lot of stuff during the week, but it's not "play." Today we played, though. We played tag, and I was running away from him and got up on the fence, and he was gonna tag me. I ran into the front yard and he ran to get me. And then I kind of snuck up on him while he was crawling up on the Camry, and I said, "Get off of that Camry!" And he said, "I didn't know where you were!" I later told him I was sorry for cheating (because I'd gone into the front yard) and he said, "That's OK; I didn't tell you the rules." 

B: I feel like I'm walking around in a cloud. Eloise's face. Conley's face. Conley saying things like, "I can give you a massaj, Mom," like he was so eager to be helpful. He loves things that Joseph loves, like anything at all having to do with "working." Working on his bike, the truck, the dirt bike, the table, the yard, the trampoline. He loves it. He loves digging holes and throwing dirt. He is wise and careful, unless he is with other boys his age--and then it seems like his brain just goes out the window lol. I guess that's probably normal, though. He loves me. He touches my face so sweet. He loves snuggling with me and he lets me kiss him and doesn't get annoyed. Even when I pick him up for thinking times he just strokes my hair. He loves playing with soft hair. It's adorable. He is also so sweet in his prayers. He said things like, "Bless the people without houses that they will be able to build a house and have the best day." He loves audiobooks lately. He could listen to them all day. He likes homeschool, as long as he gets to choose what we do. He reminds me of that, too, which I appreciate. 

Or Eloise at Ross: "I not have a pose! I need dis!" (purse). or "I not have light up shoes. I want dese!" And it's so sweet because after I explain things to her patiently, she almost always says, "OK, Mama." It's amazing. She's reasonable and rational. Conley and she wake up together sometimes and play in their room or in the playroom or the family room. They love hiding together. If they're really having a good time, they'll come shut our door or shut their door, and when we end up going to look at them, Eloise (only her, Conley would never do this) says, "Not come in he-oh!" 

Tonight she was tired. I was looking at her and said, "You are the most beautiful woman in the world." And she scowled and said, "I not a wimin! I a kid!" Then she wanted some alone time (she's pretty good at doing that) with her mini-Book of Mormon. So she went out of the playroom, where we all were, and as she was exiting, she said, "I'm gonna go to not dis woom and wead my Book of Momon. Not look at me." And she left. Then she poked her head around the corner and said, "Not even think about looking at me." Joseph and I often just look at each other and laugh as quietly as we can. She's so funny and serious. Whenever I raise my voice at her, she curls up and shrinks down and gets so sad. And then when I hold her and talk to her she always forgives me right away. I'll never understand a child's loving and forgiving nature. It's so sweet--and it motivates me to keep calm, because she responds so well to that. 

She got up the other night, and I said, "Your body is probably getting you up and telling you to go potty," and she said, "It waking me up so I can nuggle wis you!" Ugh it just melted me. She got in bed and we nuggled. I could just eat her up.

She often gets herself dressed by herself and her outfits always look so cute. She rarely lets me do her hair. I love it in ponytails most. 

Conley five-year-old snuggles

Covid has made this decision even easier, but I'm so glad I'm not sending Conley to school this year. I simply cannot imagine sending him away from me all day five times a week. I can't. It makes me sick and so sad even thinking about it. I'm so grateful I get to homeschool. He's been holding onto me so much lately at night. He wants me to lay by him or rub his back. He wraps his arms all the way around my chest; they are long enough to reach each other on the other side now. And he continually pulls me closer or presses on my back; sometimes he'll move his hands a little and scratch my back for a second. It's so sweet and loving. He really loves me. He wouldn't do that to anyone else in the world. He's such a special boy. So kind to others, especially Eloise. He loves imagining things to make and build. He loves creating things and sharing all his ideas of how things could be made and what could be made. He loves reading (looking at pictures) and being read to. I tell him all the time: "I always wanted a boy like you." And I did. He's still too good to be true.