Today I was thinking about my first year as a mother. I wondered if in the future I would look back and forget how it was. Or worse, if I would look back and think I didn't enjoy it to its fullest or look back and feel like I missed it. Well, for you future Breanne reading this, I can tell you that that didn't happen. Yes there were multiple times where I felt sad because I couldn't be with Conley, or relieved when he fell asleep so I could do some school things, or overwhelmed with my responsibilities at UNM. But I tried my very hardest to enjoy little moments. To sit and watch him as he played in the bathtub. To smile when he'd come up to me and want to be held. To break the "rules" (curse those self- and mama-help books) and let him take his nap on my chest. To soak in the view of the back of his little neck and head and back as he faced the other direction and played with the wooden block train my mom gave him. To lie on the ground and let him "wrestle" with me ("wrestle" because I wasn't wrestling back; what he usually does is come and sits on my head and breathe really heavy like he's pushing a wheelbarrow full of rocks, but really he's just digging his head into my armpit or giving me zerberts or sliming my face and neck with his slobbery mouth). To play peek-a-boo with him when I'd go get him from a nap (he goes up and down and up and down and giggles when he sees me). To respond to him when I feel like it, even if he is crying in the middle of the night, and doesn't have too much of a reason to get up. To tickle his toes underneath the high chair tray, or even pretend like I'm gonna bite them (he gets really giggly and wiggly when I do that). To teach him different consonants. To let him sit on my lap and bang on the piano. To sing to him when he's sleepy (he always relaxes and listens when I do that). To give him bites of my food when I'm sitting on the floor and he comes up to me and puts his little hand on my shoulder and stretches out his neck and opens his mouth (he's so stinking cute). To nuzzle (snuggle and nestle up to) him when he's drinking his bottle of milk. To tickle his belly with my chin. To let him sit on my lap and read to him and point to the pictures and words, and let him point too. To rock him to sleep at night.
Gosh I love my baby. This has been such a fun year. Claire asked me what I've learned this year. I feel like I've learned how lucky I am to have such a fun, happy, friendly, easygoing baby. I've learned a little more about the intense love Heavenly Father has for us, and how divine the calling of motherhood is. And how I long to nurture Conley. And how he is my first priority. And how I need to do what I want and what my instincts tell me, rather than stressing about what research says. And I've learned to not worry about milestones. And that I am so lucky to have Joseph; he is supportive to me and spends such sincere, quality time with Conley. He's everything I hoped for in a father to my children. I've learned that it's so stressful balancing being a mom, wife, teacher, student. I've learned that I have to say no to things and not overbook myself. I can even say "Yes, but." I've learned to plan ahead and always bring extra diapers and food. I've learned that instead of thinking about myself, I need to think about how I can serve Heavenly Father--and follow His lead in doing so. He'll help me know how and who. I've learned that Heavenly Father loves me.
We are having a little party for him on Saturday at the park. It's been unusually warm and springy here lately. It's really been lovely. So we are going to barbecue hot dogs and bring snacks and some yard games and have a little party for the boy. I am excited. He is so wonderful.
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