Snuggles

I had a really hard time when when I was in my first trimester recently. The hardest part about it, harder than being really sick and tired and having no motivation and feeling depressed, was not enjoying being with Conley. I wondered about my purpose as a mother, and I didn't feel important or useful. And it broke my heart because I used to look at him and think how cute and sweet he was and how lucky I was to be his mom and just spend each day with him and how excited I was to raise him and things like that. Thankfully since being out of my first trimester those feelings have gone and I feel like I have come back to the way I felt about him and about being a mom as I did before. But I still want to choose to feel those things in case in the future I get depressed or something like that and have to really encourage myself to feel certain feelings instead of just letting them come naturally and with ease like they are right now.

This morning I snuggled with him and it was just so fun and wonderful and heavenly. And I just love snuggling him and being close to him. I could do it all day. I feel like the longer I'm alone the more I love snuggling. That's one reason I'm really excited for a new baby is because of all of this now. I'm also excited for the opportunity to show Conley love and to choose to be with him and to play with him even when there are other options come up because I think there will be a lot more options now that we have two kids. Will be an interesting lesson to learn how to balance two kids. I've also learned lately how much I need to reach out to Heavenly Father and ask him for help and confidence and fulfillment and guidance in my thoughts. Need to reach out to him before I reach out to others and seek to vent to others.