Big brother

Conley is a big brother now and I still just can't believe it. He is so precious and sweet to Eloise. He gets really close to her face and I have to hold myself back and let him love on her; so far he has never done anything too rough. He kisses her and loves her and talks in a high voice to her. And calls her "baby." Sometimes "Eloise" but it sounds more like "owies." He is so precious. I miss him at night. I think back on each day and hate myself for any moment of impatience I had with him. He's such a good boy. I need to be patient and calm and see the world through his eyes.

Other than number two potty and bedtime both being quite difficult, he is doing really well with the transition. I'm trying to spend a lot of time with him still and stay close to him and communicate with him. This afternoon was the first time that I had the two kids by myself (my mom just left and Joseph is back in school now). I was so scared and nervous. I tried to imagine what it would be like if I had a nanny or had to take them to daycare and drop them off. That made me just feel soooooo grateful to be home with them. It helped me realize that this is what I want and that it is such a special and sacred and delicious opportunity to raise and love and lead and guide my own children every moment.

I prayed that I would be able to enjoy Conley. I prayed for that because I was noticing how hard it is for me to enjoy him if I am stressed (about whatever it may be) or distracted by my phone or grading or talking to people. And Heavenly Father totally answered my prayer. The next day, Conley was just so cute in my eyes. I wanted to kiss him all the time and spend time with him.

Newborns are the way they are (like, super sleepy and stuff) for moms with other kids. It has to be. There's a reason and that is it.

I get emotional and sometimes teary when I look at Conley and remember what it was like to have just him. It was so easy and we were so lucky to just have each other. He's such a good boy, and I'm so undeserving of him. I love Eloise so much. I love her smell and her big eyes and her smily-ness. Conley still has my heart though. I'm sure it will equalize eventually. I wonder when that will happen.

I really just feel the need to quarantine ourselves. I want to ignore my phone and also not really go out in public, at least with other people. I want to make my home a holy place of love more. And I want to spend time with the kids, and not worry so much about cooking and cleaning for a little while. I want to get in a routine of raising them and thinking about what Jesus and Heavenly Father want for them at each moment.

I've also been thinking about how important this calling of being a mom must be. Because I feel spent, mentally and physically and spiritually, in a good way, just thinking about how to raise them and how to be a good mom and how to teach Conley and show him love. Like I'm not thinking about other people or things very much. "Inasmuch as ye have served the least of these...." I just really feel like this is true. Practicing Christlike attributes, serving others, having charity, all of these things are encapsulated in motherhood.