Halloween with my sick girl

By the end of the night, laying next to her in bed, I felt so charged up, like supercharged with just metallic love and adoration for her. I felt like without even knowing it, she had this buzziness around her, this energy that just froze me, made me want to stay as still as I could and just watch her and feel it and soak her in. Singing "Baby Mine" to her caught my breath. She'd asked me to sing her a song. She held onto her two identical glow stick necklaces, one from a neighbor--one of the six houses we went Trick or Treating at, since she had fevered earlier and wasn't 100%--and one from the Trunk or Treat. She was so thrilled to see them light up. I gave her a bath; she thought it was cold. She loved the warm water coming out of the faucet when I turned it back on. She lost her first tooth last week (she kept her mouth closed and like hum-talked when I picked her up until I asked her if she lost her tooth and she couldn't help but smile) and brushing her little baby teeth was just so cute and magical. 

Laying next to her in her bed under her light pink comforter, all cozy, warm, and clean, i just looked at her perfectly soft and clear skin and tiny freckles on her nose. Her full lips and baby nose. She still looks like a baby if you look at her in the right angle and with the right eyes. 

She let me hold her during my Fed Jur class, probably for half of it. The other half she put her head on the table and held onto my arm. I picked her up early from school because she'd had a fever. I was so glad I got to her quickly and wasn't in the middle of class. I would have left, but still. There was also some freaky threat security stuff going on at Onate as soon as I picked her up, and I'm so glad I had her with me. There have been lots of mass shootings in the last week, so I'm on edge, thinking when's our turn. I'm keeping her home tomorrow and maybe the rest of the week? 

She was so sad to not go to Cameron and Christina's and trick or treat and have dinner with everyone like we do every year. She cried and cried before we left for class. In her tears she said she still wanted to wear her costume to my class. So we put on her pirate costume she'd picked out at Costco a few months ago. I thought it was just so cute and childlike--the insistence of wearing a costume on Halloween even though she was sick. When we walked into class, the teachers said something about "someone came in with a costume" and she immediately turned to me and wanted to be picked up, she was so embarrassed. It was so cute. There were those store sugar cookies I love and they gave some to us. She ate most of one. And I ate two:).

After class, I tried to appease her about not going to Christina's. I said we could get wanton soup at Szchezwan and trick or treat in the house, and she couldn't keep a big smile off her face. So that was the deal. Once we'd eaten, though, she said she wanted to go to a few houses. So we decided to. Before leaving, she wrote "Hallawen Trik or Tret" in a notebook and gave it to me with a pen and said to keep track of the number of houses we went to. We went to six. She was so cute. It was 48 degrees. She had a sweater under her tight pirate costume, so she was warm...and restricted...but didn't complain. She said Trick or Treat and got a few handfuls of candy and was totally content to come home and take a bath. She asked me to turn up the heater. She put on jammies and then said they were itchy becasue of the kind of string in one of the stripes, so we changed into another pair. She put on a diaper and then said that wasn't comfortable, so she changed into panties. We read the kids Bible and Betsy and Tacy and I sang her a song and then snuggled her. I knew I was going to stay in there until she fell asleep. I did. She just fills my heart with love. She always has. Every day of her life, she's brought me so much joy.

I think I can transfer my energy of wanting a baby and not getting one bc Joseph feels it will complicate our future into love for her and Conley, focus on them, energy toward them, time with them. My time is already so limited and I want every minute I have with them to count. 

Conley changed the clock time so I'd read longer

 We're homeschooling Conley, and so far he and I truly love it. Joseph says he is grateful that we are doing it. Sometimes it's hard to motivate him to get things done, but usually when we are connected, we start early, and I pray for patience, things go really well. Sometimes he sits on my lap during it. The best part of it is just all the time he has to play and explore and be himself. He has brightened a lot since not being in school. I'm so grateful.

He still adores being read to. Joseph or I read to him every night. Tonight he was playing a lot when he was supposed to be getting ready for bed, so I told him around 8:10 that I'd only be available to read to him until 8:30. That whipped him into shape pretty well and we were laying in his bed by 8:20. I started reading the God Is Incredible book to him and heard him fiddling with his alarm clock. I thought he might be setting the alarm. I switched to this (dreadful) novel about a hamster in a third grade classroom, and read a few pages and then glanced at the clock. He'd set it back ten minutes so I'd read more. I laughed so hard and he giggled a lot too.

Eloise is the most delicious angel. Her cheeks are so soft and she smiles at me when I smile at her. She has a good explanation for reasons she does things. She listens really readily and she remembers things I tell her. She reminded me today that she needed to bring her permission slip to school tomorrow in order to be able to participate in next week's Run for the Coyotes.

We cut her still-bright-blond hair last night. It looks so cute, although I do love her long hair. It was green from summer chorine and also dead at the ends. She wanted a haircut, and she just looks adorable. She's been taking violin for over a month now, and we are having so much fun with it. She listens to Miss Ellen, and she is always down to practice. We practice together, and I love that time with her. One time I lost patience and it made her so sad. I felt awful and apologized. She forgave me. She's so good at that. 

Also the other day she taught me a real lesson. My kids have taught me things in the sense that I've learned about myself and how to be better by being their mom. But I think this was the first lesson that I learned that was directly from their example. I came into the kitchen and she was eating her second yogurt. I raised my voice (I was on edge that day), and said having too much yogurt will hurt her belly and also we all want yogurt and that she couldn't eat it all. 

She raised her eyebrows and said, "That's very good information." How patient, kind, introspective, and calm of her. I want to respond like that. 

She is singing a couple solos for the primary program, and Gail said she sounds like an angel. And I agree. She's so adorable. I sing to her and read to her at night and she is just so cozy. I kiss her cheeks and just want to eat her. It's all I can do to squeeze her so tight when I pick up from school. I want to know everything about her day, bt I don't want to tire or overwhelm her. I love when she tells me things about her day.

Eloise on our date hike

Eloise told me a few months ago while we were on a family walk (plus Spohns and Tessa) that she wanted to go on a date with just me where we would go on a hike. We ran into some time tonight after dropping Conley off at activity boys, so we went. It was so so so so so cute and fun. She was chatty and adorable and just so pleasant and delightful. I offered to drive us to a trailhead, but she said no, that she wanted to walk somewhere so she knew exactly where to go because she had a spot in mind. And a car and bikes couldn't get there.

We walked up past the Rover park, over the bridge, and she gave me the option of taking the arroyo or the trail. I chose the trail. Halfway up she said, "Do you remember going on this trail? And that day you said we couldn't go further and make it to the mountain? Well I want to make it to the mountain tonight." It was pretty warm outside. I was impressed at how good of a walk/hiker she was. We made it all the way up to the mountain and she lost steam right about then but still had a good attitude. I sighed at one point and she said, "Do you like this?" And I said, "Do I like what?" And she said, "Do you like this hike that we're going on? Because you sighed." And I said, "I love it! I love being with you and in the foothills. I sighed because this is good exercise and I wanted to get more oxygen in my body." She smiled so big when I said I liked it. 

Her blond hair was wavy from last night's braids. She wore light pink leggings that she said looked like ballerina leggings; she said she'd wear them to her first dance class this weekend. 

On our way down the mountain, she said, "Ouch" just after we turned around. I offered her my sunglasses and she said, "Thank you. That's much better." When we passed the concrete stair things for damming water (somehow), she thought they were a natural wonder and said, "Thank you earth for making these things that look like seats." We sat on them for a minute until the gnats landed on us and started tickling. I said we needed to keep moving to keep them away. She wiggled all over for a second as we walked.

On the way down the mountain further she said, "The wind feels like Nana and you and Daddy and Conley and all our family together, like a huddle, but a good huddle. It feels good and warm."  

Some rev today about Conlely

 Sometimes I super worry that I'm not teaching him enough like especially about the gospel. Like that he has questions and doubts because of me. These worries have gotten worse since he says he doesn't want to be baptized. I started reading the BoM with him, and he often pushes back, and I told him that I am going to do some things in his life that he doesn't want me to do but that I want to do because they are important to me and important for him. 

But since saying that, I've been having major existential crises about agency and what to teach him. What is true. How we hold up truth. Do I be true to my heart and leave lots of things open ended and optional and grey? This would be following my heart.

Or do I say some stuff is just true and nonnegotiable. I feel like there are more prolems with that approach.

Here is what I felt was revealedto me: "Just love him HIM as a person. Don't proccupy my thoughts and worries. Love him and present and offer neutrally. Don't get omotionally involved in his choices. That is manipulation.