By the end of the night, laying next to her in bed, I felt so charged up, like supercharged with just metallic love and adoration for her. I felt like without even knowing it, she had this buzziness around her, this energy that just froze me, made me want to stay as still as I could and just watch her and feel it and soak her in. Singing "Baby Mine" to her caught my breath. She'd asked me to sing her a song. She held onto her two identical glow stick necklaces, one from a neighbor--one of the six houses we went Trick or Treating at, since she had fevered earlier and wasn't 100%--and one from the Trunk or Treat. She was so thrilled to see them light up. I gave her a bath; she thought it was cold. She loved the warm water coming out of the faucet when I turned it back on. She lost her first tooth last week (she kept her mouth closed and like hum-talked when I picked her up until I asked her if she lost her tooth and she couldn't help but smile) and brushing her little baby teeth was just so cute and magical.
Laying next to her in her bed under her light pink comforter, all cozy, warm, and clean, i just looked at her perfectly soft and clear skin and tiny freckles on her nose. Her full lips and baby nose. She still looks like a baby if you look at her in the right angle and with the right eyes.
She let me hold her during my Fed Jur class, probably for half of it. The other half she put her head on the table and held onto my arm. I picked her up early from school because she'd had a fever. I was so glad I got to her quickly and wasn't in the middle of class. I would have left, but still. There was also some freaky threat security stuff going on at Onate as soon as I picked her up, and I'm so glad I had her with me. There have been lots of mass shootings in the last week, so I'm on edge, thinking when's our turn. I'm keeping her home tomorrow and maybe the rest of the week?
She was so sad to not go to Cameron and Christina's and trick or treat and have dinner with everyone like we do every year. She cried and cried before we left for class. In her tears she said she still wanted to wear her costume to my class. So we put on her pirate costume she'd picked out at Costco a few months ago. I thought it was just so cute and childlike--the insistence of wearing a costume on Halloween even though she was sick. When we walked into class, the teachers said something about "someone came in with a costume" and she immediately turned to me and wanted to be picked up, she was so embarrassed. It was so cute. There were those store sugar cookies I love and they gave some to us. She ate most of one. And I ate two:).
After class, I tried to appease her about not going to Christina's. I said we could get wanton soup at Szchezwan and trick or treat in the house, and she couldn't keep a big smile off her face. So that was the deal. Once we'd eaten, though, she said she wanted to go to a few houses. So we decided to. Before leaving, she wrote "Hallawen Trik or Tret" in a notebook and gave it to me with a pen and said to keep track of the number of houses we went to. We went to six. She was so cute. It was 48 degrees. She had a sweater under her tight pirate costume, so she was warm...and restricted...but didn't complain. She said Trick or Treat and got a few handfuls of candy and was totally content to come home and take a bath. She asked me to turn up the heater. She put on jammies and then said they were itchy becasue of the kind of string in one of the stripes, so we changed into another pair. She put on a diaper and then said that wasn't comfortable, so she changed into panties. We read the kids Bible and Betsy and Tacy and I sang her a song and then snuggled her. I knew I was going to stay in there until she fell asleep. I did. She just fills my heart with love. She always has. Every day of her life, she's brought me so much joy.
I think I can transfer my energy of wanting a baby and not getting one bc Joseph feels it will complicate our future into love for her and Conley, focus on them, energy toward them, time with them. My time is already so limited and I want every minute I have with them to count.
No comments:
Post a Comment