Eloise on our date hike

Eloise told me a few months ago while we were on a family walk (plus Spohns and Tessa) that she wanted to go on a date with just me where we would go on a hike. We ran into some time tonight after dropping Conley off at activity boys, so we went. It was so so so so so cute and fun. She was chatty and adorable and just so pleasant and delightful. I offered to drive us to a trailhead, but she said no, that she wanted to walk somewhere so she knew exactly where to go because she had a spot in mind. And a car and bikes couldn't get there.

We walked up past the Rover park, over the bridge, and she gave me the option of taking the arroyo or the trail. I chose the trail. Halfway up she said, "Do you remember going on this trail? And that day you said we couldn't go further and make it to the mountain? Well I want to make it to the mountain tonight." It was pretty warm outside. I was impressed at how good of a walk/hiker she was. We made it all the way up to the mountain and she lost steam right about then but still had a good attitude. I sighed at one point and she said, "Do you like this?" And I said, "Do I like what?" And she said, "Do you like this hike that we're going on? Because you sighed." And I said, "I love it! I love being with you and in the foothills. I sighed because this is good exercise and I wanted to get more oxygen in my body." She smiled so big when I said I liked it. 

Her blond hair was wavy from last night's braids. She wore light pink leggings that she said looked like ballerina leggings; she said she'd wear them to her first dance class this weekend. 

On our way down the mountain, she said, "Ouch" just after we turned around. I offered her my sunglasses and she said, "Thank you. That's much better." When we passed the concrete stair things for damming water (somehow), she thought they were a natural wonder and said, "Thank you earth for making these things that look like seats." We sat on them for a minute until the gnats landed on us and started tickling. I said we needed to keep moving to keep them away. She wiggled all over for a second as we walked.

On the way down the mountain further she said, "The wind feels like Nana and you and Daddy and Conley and all our family together, like a huddle, but a good huddle. It feels good and warm."  

Some rev today about Conlely

 Sometimes I super worry that I'm not teaching him enough like especially about the gospel. Like that he has questions and doubts because of me. These worries have gotten worse since he says he doesn't want to be baptized. I started reading the BoM with him, and he often pushes back, and I told him that I am going to do some things in his life that he doesn't want me to do but that I want to do because they are important to me and important for him. 

But since saying that, I've been having major existential crises about agency and what to teach him. What is true. How we hold up truth. Do I be true to my heart and leave lots of things open ended and optional and grey? This would be following my heart.

Or do I say some stuff is just true and nonnegotiable. I feel like there are more prolems with that approach.

Here is what I felt was revealedto me: "Just love him HIM as a person. Don't proccupy my thoughts and worries. Love him and present and offer neutrally. Don't get omotionally involved in his choices. That is manipulation.

Best summer ever so far

 It has been the most magical summer. The best parts have been just being home with Conley and Eloise and seeing them play play play together. They color together, build LEGOs together, make forts, write notes, make little books, play on the trampoline, play with the hose (Conley's always telling her to turn it off--I've already instilled in him a fear of wasting water, I guess), look at books, climb on the car. Eloise has been in to filling random stuff up with water for over a year. Making potions, I think. She adores little things, little trinkets. She's a bit of a collector, which sometimes sets off my cleanliness sensor and I get a little crazy. But I just shut her closet door and try to ignore it. 

Eloise has been really sweet to me this summer. During the schoolyear, when she was going to preschool every day (at least this last semester), she got crabby at me. She was bossy and cranky, threw fits. But this summer she has loved spending time with me. She'll come sit by me and want to spend time with me. She talks to me and just says the cutest things. She still doesn't say her Rs, so what she says is just so cute, and still sounds little. She adores reading, really enjoys riding her bike (since Joseph toughed it out and taught her by forcing her to balance on it while he ran next to her down the arroyo--all the while her screaming, "DAD! STOP ME!!!"). 

We've been checking out books along a theme this summer and reading them, then going on a field trip and doing a craft that relates to that theme. It's been fun and we've learned a lot. We went to the dinosaur museum for the dino week; zoo with a scavenger hunt for the animal week; and the Indian Pueblo Cultural Center for the Native American week. This week is Juneteenth/Black American history, which is my favorite. The kids have kept up with the daily schedule pretty well. A couple times a week we'll do workbooks or iPad games too. I just love spending time with them. Eloise likes to go out and is always pleasant when we do so, but we are mostly homebodies. When we go out, Conley gets bored and crabby within an hour or so and asks to go home. He's a super literal guy lately and super logical. I'm working really hard trying to get him to recognize his emotions, take deep breaths, etc. Typing this out reminds me that meditation would be a good things to institute. He's been loving drums and we've been loving it too. He plays every day and is getting better quickly. He pretends to play during primary and matches the rhythm pretty well. 

He's a sweetheart too--especially if he gets to spend the day at home. He loves being home and he loves being with me. It makes me smile to type that. It's true. The other day, I was walking home from dropping off the Prestwiches' car and carrying his booster seat. He met me a block from the house and took the booster seat from me, like a true gentleman. I didn't even ask him to. He almost always does what I ask him to do, especially if it has anything to do with manual labor. He loves figuring stuff out, building stuff, fixing problems, trouble shooting, helping. He never lets me walk alone to or from church. He catches up with me on his bike and stays within 10-15 feet the whole time, just chatting. He tells me funny jokes and about math problems he's figured out. He's starting to understand faith. Even though he doesn't know God is real yet, he says, he still sees the logic in praying and exercising faith in him. It's awesome. I'm grateful for that. I never want him to say or do anything (spiritual or otherwise) because he thinks it's expected of him, or like to make other people happy. I love his authentic heart. He's so much like Joseph that way. Just sweeter:). 

 

Eloise's softest cheeks

 Her cheeks are so soft and the perfect amount of squishy. She (and Conley does this too) just lets me kiss them (those cheeks). In Costco walking around, with her in the cart and her face close to mine, I just can't resist. I just kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss them and she lets me, almost like she doesn't notice. I love those cheeks. I love that sweet girl. 

Tonight Conley said through loud cry tears, "I'm mad at everyone but YOU!" He was mad because punk Joseph had just sprayed him with the hose. He was mad at Eloise because she had spilled some of the water in this big turquoise bucket, water Conley had collected during that last snow storm this week. I asked him what he wanted to do with it, and he said, "Clean it and give it back to New Mexico to help with the drought." Gosh he's so sweet.

Kelsey Cardon gave me a bunch of boxes to take home for him. She'd given him a set of screws and tools just for cardboard boxes for his birthday. I took them home and told him and for a few hours, he worked on those boxes in the garage. He loves working and creating. We read a page in the Heavenly Mother book about our Heavenly Parents being creators and it prompted the question: what have you created that you're proud of. He said, "I made a waterfall" (at school in the playground...he's spent this whole semester of recesses digging) "and the water I collected." He thought of those things first and foremost for some reason. He is so good at creating. He makes LEGO stuff and Connects stuff and does tons of art, those boxes, on and on. 

Conley's dinosaur birthday party and Eloise's thoughts on homelessness

 They're really just too much. They make my life so good and so rich and so full. I just can't imagine life without them. I'm having so much fun and fulfillment being a mom. I love what I learn from being their mom, like that Eloise has a soft heart and doesn't like if I get truly frustrated with her. Conley loves snuggling and absorbs things so quickly when he's listening. 

Russia invaded Ukraine a week and a half ago and it's been heartbreaking to watch. I've told the kids about it a bit. His prayer the other night was this: "Please bless that Russia will stop being so fierce and that Ukraine will get to stay its own country." Eloise mentioned Putin and that he would stop or something like that. 

Today we had a birthday party for Conley. It was so fun. I planned the activities with him and they were all a huge success. We put little dinosaurs in baking soda paste that hardened into eggs, and then squirted vinegar on them. And then the kids dug up bigger dinosaurs. And they excavated a T-Rex skeleton that I got from Target. Then they designed the most amazing LEGO dinosaurs without directions! It was impressive what they came up with: moving arms, legs, jaws, wings. I loved it and was super impressed. Then we had cake and ice cream and they just jumped on the tramp. Conley loved it so much. I love making him happy.

I read to him tonight. We give him melatonin nowadays, and it helps him so much. It's so cute when he gets sleepy. I've been reading him a book called Fudge by Judy Blume. Joseph had a good idea to start reading the Bible with him so he bought a kids Bible. It's gnarly and the art is crazy looking but Conley loves it. He insists on reading two stories every night. Joseph also started a journal with him, so we wrote in that tonight and he dictated all about the presents he got and the excavation kit. 

I told him earlier today, "You are my favorite. Did you know that?" And he stopped and hugged my legs (we were walking to the kitchen) and said, "No." And I said, "Yep. You're my favorite." And he just looked at me and smiled. It was so sweet for some reason. Tonight, I said, "Do you remember what I told you are earlier today?" He smiled mischievously and said, "Birthday boy." I tickled him and he giggled.

He was so sweet to Eloise the whole party. I just love how he lets her play with him and his 8 friends/cousins that came today. It's just amazing. And this morning he cried when she didn't want to play a game with him that he wanted to play. He loves playing with her. They play really well together, for the most part.

We did Come Follow Me tonight, which we don't do that often these days. It was nice. Afterward, Eloise was like, "I know something about the Bible. There were guys with bandages all over and they were sick and they couldn't even go to their houses. But then they were walking and saw Jesus and his disciples and Jesus healed them all! And they were able to go back to their houses." I asked if they said thank you, and she said, "Only one!" We talked about that. Then Conley said a prayer, and in it, he blessed the people who don't have houses "that they would have a really good time." I know he means that they will be OK and be able to have a happy life. When he finished the prayer, Eloise said, "I worry about the people standing on the highway." We see a lot of homeless people these days. I said something about that there are resources for them like homeless shelters, but that it's hard to get long-term housing because it's so expensive. And she said, "Yeah and they walk all over and they are so tired." It was so, so, so sweet. She was feeling it for them. And Joseph was so sweet about it, too. He said, "Yes and it's hard to get a job when you don't have an address." Anyway, it was a special moment for us, all mourning together for them. I just felt so touched that she (and Conley) notice.

Eloise is a delight. She's been a beautiful, bright, delicious delight every day of her life. Her language is amazing right now: amazingly cute. She can't say her Rs, so words like church, shirt, river, on and on, are just too much. She has big feelings but can be comforted with love and snuggle. She reminds me to be calm and patient and gentle, because why wouldn't I be? I feel like she and Conley both do that: they make it so clear to me what they are feeling and that they are thinking and feeling and intentional beings, and that impatience or fierceness are just a waste and also harmful. I love feeling how they feel and seeing the world through their eyes.

School started for three of the four of us

 School started. Me, Eloise, and Conley. With Conley being apart from me six hours a day, a few things happen that are even more meaningful than they might be if I were with him all day:

• He wants me to snuggle with him at night. When I do, he sits up as I crawl up his loft bed ladder and waits for me with his arms outstretched. He wraps his arms around my neck and holds me so close.
• When we read a funny book or watch a funny movie and something just strikes him as funny, he giggles as though you just tickled him in the ribs. It's so cute. It just bubbles out of him like he can't control it. I love it so much. His face, which is usually somewhat serious, just look so happy and his smile is so big.
• Most recently, we were reading a Little Critter joke book. Darn. I just looked for it around the house so that I could type in the one that made him laugh. I think it was a pun. It was so cute, because he'd been pretty even-tempered at all the jokes, until that one. And then he just lost it in giggles.
• I walk him to school and home every day, and I love it so much. I walk him all the way to the gate and watch him walk down the walkway between buildings and then enter the doors. Sometimes, he holds the doors open for other kids. He always kisses me and hugs me before he goes in there, and when he comes back out.
• He's not crazy about school. (I went and did library time and then a story with his class yesterday, and I can understand why. It's just so chaotic; and much of the time doesn't seem purposeful or well spent.) Often, his sour for the day is "school," and his sweet is "coming home from school." He feels like school is too long. I agree; I wish there were other options.
• When I (and Eloise) read a book to his classroom, all the kids were sitting on a rug in the middle of the room. I told Eloise she could go sit by him. She did, and he put his arm around her for a bit. And then he scratched her back. Just kills me.
• Tonight at an Isotopes game, we noticed how one of the runners was super fast. He said, "Speaking of fast, that reminds me. I need to get in shape!" I laughed and asked him what for. He said, "For running!" Just running in general, not for t-ball or anything in specific. 
• He told me in the car yesterday (and believe me, I was hanging on his every word) that he's been passing notes back and forth with a (super sweet and adorable!) girl named Kahli. I said, "Oh! How exciting. What does the note say?" (Because he doesn't write much, and I'm not sure how much he can write, to be honest, because he doesn't really like it, so I don't force him to do it.) He said, "It says 'XOXOXO.'" He was kind of laughing too, and I couldn't hide my delight at the conversation and was laughing too. I said, "What makes you want to write that?" after he'd told me that he know what it meant, from stuff he'd seen me write. He said, "I don't know, I just wanted to." It was so funny and cute. And appropriate, like the situation: a cute, sweet girl in his class; they're assigned to sit next to each other; he feels like the natural next step is to write her a hugs and kisses note. I'm laughing. Gosh, he's cute.

sweet kids that take a long time for all things

 Here’s another journal entry. Things have been exceptional lately. I’m just so grateful for my sweet kids and I adore them. Eloise is more energy for me, but not too much and I think that Lexapro really heps with that. I do a lot of deep breathing around her. She’s really sweet most of the time and so funny and gosh the way she talks is so cute and funny and amazing. She has a lisp on her s’s. and her r’s are w’s. I just love it. When she has something to say and it comes out coherent and fluid, it always just blows me away how cute it is…it’s like a big girl with little girl mouth features and language skills. But yes she is very very particular. Her interests include doing what she wants at any time. It touches my heart when she gives in, though; it does happen. Probably once a day or so. I’ll explain something to her calmly, and she’ll says kind of dejectedly, “OK, Mom.” It’s really sweet. She’s a good girl. She and Conley take so long to get out the door and to get out of the car. I’m thinking I need to think of a mantra for that, like to deal with it. Like, “This is fine that it takes a while.” “I’m frustrated that this can’t move quickly ,and that’s OK.” I’m going to count to ten and se how many tens it takes.” Or think about it from their perspective. Like, “I am going to get my shoes on now, but I forgot that I brought this candy, so I’m going to try to open it, but it’s hard to open, so I’m going to as my mom, because hse is just standing there and is super available to help me.” I’m laughing.

I’m interested in auditioning to perform at Sawmill Market. I’m going to look at it once I get wifi, off the plane and during my layover in Denver. I’ll probably have Chanelle take some pictures of me or soehting and buy a new dress. I’m might need to do some recording to send them, or a live audition would be awesome. We will see. Once I get wifi.