Eloise's birth story

I'll start with the preparation for this one. We stopped preventing in June and got pregnant in August. I told Joseph by wrapping the pregnancy test (yes, the pee stick) in a box and giving it to him on our anniversary at Pitch, a pizza restaurant. It was fun and exciting. The pregnancy went really smoothly, except for exceptional exhaustion in the first trimester. Conley was sweet and good, of course. I traveled a bunch during that time and it really sucked. Thinking about DC or even the Balloon Fiesta puts bad tastes in my mouth because of how awful I felt. And greasy for some reason. Always greasy. Fall overall just was distasteful. But it got better and the second and third trimesters were a lot better. Except she was really low, so it made me swollen and uncomfortable sometimes.  We found out it was a girl and my heart skipped a beat. So excited! I made her a stocking and had it on our mantle for Christmas. It was so fun and cute. Pink and gold seemed to speak to me for her colors. I wasn't planning on decorating a room (because we are moving at the end of the summer--before she would have a chance to sleep in it, since she is in our room for a few months). But I couldn't resist. I found some pink and gold paper and made paper lanterns and a really cute garland that has bows and paper balls and gold tassels on it. And I found a cool polka-dotted vase at the thrift store and a flower there too that I could put on the vase.

So I was looking forward to having a girl all throughout the pregnancy. I started feeling afraid of the birth, though, so I read Hypno-birthing, which kind of resonated. But not as much as did Birthing from Within, which basically advocates viewing birth as a messy, difficult, hard, painful thing that is doable, and connecting with women throughout the world who do it. And treating it as something I can do. And buckling down and facing the pain head-on. It made me more excited.

And when labor started, well, warm-up labor, five days after my due date, on a Sunday, I got my yoga ball and faced those contractions.f And cried once. And skipped church. Then the contractions spread out (they were at like 7 minutes apart for a while, then spread out to 15, then 30 minutes). I was bummed because I wanted to have her that day; but she wasn't coming yet. But then at 2 AM they came on hard and super consistent...5 minutes apart for three hours. Joseph held me and pushed on my back. He stayed close to me. Facing each contraction with the image of 1) the pain, ugly and real, or 2) a budding rose both really helped. I imagined those things. Standing up or leaning on the yoga ball also helped. Being close to Joseph just was so wonderful. He was so sweet and caring and confident in me. (Sidenote: I know he really wants me to birth naturally. I want that too. Maybe one day.) He was eager to help in any way he could. I just fell in love with him so deeply during this labor. It was different from Conley's. Our love is more real and strong and deep now. During my first delivery, I kind of felt like I needed to prove myself to him. I felt distance from him because it was such a long labor and I was in and out of sleep and he was communicating with a lot of people on his phone. But this labor we just put our phones away. It was such a good plan. We prayed in the car together before we got out of the hospital and Joseph prayed for me and made me feel huge and strong and good.

My favorite part of the whole birth was when Joseph said he was proud of me. He said I did such a good job. And he said throughout the contractions that I was doing a good job and that I was strong. Just thinking about him saying that makes me choke up.

We called Kayla Greenwood at 4:45 AM and she came right over. We left to the hospital, which was called Bergen Mercy, and the contractions in the car were the worst. We walked in together and the hospital was so nice and there was no one there at all. They brought us to the room and Lydia, my midwife, was already there (Joseph had called her). The nurse was nice, but I liked the second one way more (they switched shifts shortly after we got there). The second nurse was so warm and friendly and cute and young. Her name was Kelsey, I think. She took care of us really well. I got my gown on and the IV in (and that hurt and was annoying the whole time it was in). Lydia checked me and I was at a 5! I was proud of myself and happy. Joseph and I labored together for another two hours and Lydia pushed on my back and Joseph let me hold onto him and I moaned a lot during them and they hurt like hell and I threw up once. And then I started feeling like I really didn't want the pain anymore, especially since it was going to get worse and I was afraid of it. (I kind of wish I could have had someone talk me through it or suggest the bath at that point...I was afraid of the unknown: the last few steps of birthing). So I asked for an epidural and it was a female anesthesiologist. She came in and taped me all up and put it in and it hardly hurt. The contraction I had during it was way worse. And then I felt really sad because I got an epidural and just felt like a whale all huge and numb and just beached up on that bed. I need to face those feelings because when I tell people about the birth I feel ashamed, and I just want to feel joy.

The epidural was great though, even though it wasn't how imagined or wanted my birth. I was at an 8 right after getting it, so they put me on a tiny bit of Pit, and then I was like ready to go within an hour. Lydia was in and out the whole time and the nurse was there the whole time and I loved their love and support. at around 8:30 AM they told me to start pushing. I felt the urge with Conley but not this time. So I followed their lead. Breathe in, hold it, and push for ten seconds as hard as you can. We did I think four or five rounds of that and her head started pointing through and I felt it and it was at a sharp tip like a shark's nose! It was crazy (it rounded out nicely within a couple days, though). And since her head was in the canal in between contractions, Lydia had to push around my vagina opening during the next contraction so that Eloise's head would come out. And it did, just fine. Head, then shoulders, then little body. She was purple, but pinked out really quick. They laid her on me, both of us naked, and she was so so so small and wet and perfect and didn't cry like at all. And I cried and so did Joseph and we were so happy. And they took pictures of us and it was all just perfect.

I loved holding her from the very beginning. I love holding her and having her close. And she loves me too. I feel more of a drive to hold her and be close to her than I did with Conley. Perhaps that's because of time? schedule? Joseph's busy-ness? gender? I'm not sure. But I love holding her and sleeping with her close. My feelings for her changed each day for the first week. Changed and grew. At first she seemed like a guest. Then she seemed like a princess who I loved and wanted to take care of. And now she is just a sweet little spirit that has big eyes and looks at me and smiles with her eyes. Conley loves her and gets up in her face and I have to hold myself back and let him love on her even though I worry. But he is so good and careful, so it will probably always be fine.

The change from no kids to one kid was so huge. I felt so undeserving of such a huge blessing of a baby and of the love that comes with it. I felt how important the P of S is and how much Heavenly Father loves me. I felt so grateful to have Conley and felt so much love for him. With Eloise, I feel love for her and gratitude for her. I feel a responsibility to have a home of holiness, to be holy myself, to be patient and loving and caring toward Conley. I am constantly wondering how to help him transition, how to treat him with patience and attention and sincerity and consistency so he doesn't every feel second-best or neglected. I feel like this transition from one to two kids is different and more...dutiful. Like I have a duty, a service I am performing for the Lord. I feel like my time and thoughts and energy are spent, every minute, helping these two spirits (one of whom sleeps all the time!) and caring for them and loving them. And I do feel love and gratitude from Heavenly Father. And just the need to reach out to Him for help and guidance and to know how I can improve myself and increase my holiness and keep the Spirit in my home. I feel inadequate, desperate. I am desperate, insatiably, to maintain the same level of love and attention and enjoyment that I had each moment toward Conley when I just had him. I feel like there is no time for divided attention, for my phone, for Facebook, for grading, for reading while Conley is around. Those things can wait. He is at an important time in his life and requires attention and love and energy.

Eloise is a great eater. She ate right away and had an amazing suck. I didn't know i had so much colostrum in my boobs, but she sucked it right out quite well. And my milk came in on day three and has been here ever since. And WOW being engorged was so painful and hot and heavy. The bleeding slowed down really quickly, and the cramps with nursing were worse. But after four or five days, everything kind of evened out.

At the hospital, we got moved to post-partum. I was so sad when Lydia and Kelsey left us. I felt close to them and so much love and gratitude to them. But I still had my sweet Joseph with me. And I was so in love with him. We got to leave at 9 PM that night, which was soooooo nice. The pediatrician, Lisa Whitcomb, came in and gave us her number and said Eloise looked great. And Kayla brought Conley in around 2 PM that day. Conley had a pajama shirt on and a dirty face and I tried not to notice. He seemed happy and fine, though, so I was glad he was with Kayla and Jay for the day. He came in and whispered and soaked it all in, with his big eyes and face of observation that he has had since two months old. He soaked it in. He got up on my bed with me and held her and pointed to her face and whispered "baby." And we took a picture and kissed him and hugged him and loved him. And he ate the hospital crackers and asked if we could take the baby home in the carseat. I loved him for asking that. Kayla took him home and he walked out of the hospital room saying "bye" to us and waving his hand.

Big brother

Conley is a big brother now and I still just can't believe it. He is so precious and sweet to Eloise. He gets really close to her face and I have to hold myself back and let him love on her; so far he has never done anything too rough. He kisses her and loves her and talks in a high voice to her. And calls her "baby." Sometimes "Eloise" but it sounds more like "owies." He is so precious. I miss him at night. I think back on each day and hate myself for any moment of impatience I had with him. He's such a good boy. I need to be patient and calm and see the world through his eyes.

Other than number two potty and bedtime both being quite difficult, he is doing really well with the transition. I'm trying to spend a lot of time with him still and stay close to him and communicate with him. This afternoon was the first time that I had the two kids by myself (my mom just left and Joseph is back in school now). I was so scared and nervous. I tried to imagine what it would be like if I had a nanny or had to take them to daycare and drop them off. That made me just feel soooooo grateful to be home with them. It helped me realize that this is what I want and that it is such a special and sacred and delicious opportunity to raise and love and lead and guide my own children every moment.

I prayed that I would be able to enjoy Conley. I prayed for that because I was noticing how hard it is for me to enjoy him if I am stressed (about whatever it may be) or distracted by my phone or grading or talking to people. And Heavenly Father totally answered my prayer. The next day, Conley was just so cute in my eyes. I wanted to kiss him all the time and spend time with him.

Newborns are the way they are (like, super sleepy and stuff) for moms with other kids. It has to be. There's a reason and that is it.

I get emotional and sometimes teary when I look at Conley and remember what it was like to have just him. It was so easy and we were so lucky to just have each other. He's such a good boy, and I'm so undeserving of him. I love Eloise so much. I love her smell and her big eyes and her smily-ness. Conley still has my heart though. I'm sure it will equalize eventually. I wonder when that will happen.

I really just feel the need to quarantine ourselves. I want to ignore my phone and also not really go out in public, at least with other people. I want to make my home a holy place of love more. And I want to spend time with the kids, and not worry so much about cooking and cleaning for a little while. I want to get in a routine of raising them and thinking about what Jesus and Heavenly Father want for them at each moment.

I've also been thinking about how important this calling of being a mom must be. Because I feel spent, mentally and physically and spiritually, in a good way, just thinking about how to raise them and how to be a good mom and how to teach Conley and show him love. Like I'm not thinking about other people or things very much. "Inasmuch as ye have served the least of these...." I just really feel like this is true. Practicing Christlike attributes, serving others, having charity, all of these things are encapsulated in motherhood.

Birthday

I didn't expect to cry when that little boy in red and blue and green striped pajamas crawled into my bed this morning. We snuggled on him and I kissed him and told him what today was. He repeated "birthday" a few times. I love him so much. I felt so grateful for him and for the two years of perfect love he has given me. I thought about when he was born and how I felt the first time I held him and his little baby hand went up and down on my ribs. I thought of how empty my life would have been these last two years without him, and how I would be such a different person if I were still childless, and Conley-less. He's so wonderful and sweet and good. I put him to sleep; it was a sweet little blessing because Joseph went to YM, and although I didn't want him to go because I wanted him to be home with us and it's nice to have him here, it ended up being such a sweet experience for me to bathe Conley and play with him and watch him and laugh at him and read with him and snuggle with him and sing to him and pray with him (he got up from laying down and knelt on his own). He kept saying, "lay by you" and I couldn't bear not to. So I lay by him for half an hour or so. He was so sweet and cute. Quiet, mostly. But every once in a while would say something cute. ANd he also too kout his binky and I felt his wet lips on y face. He said, "Kiss you" a few times and melted my heart into a little puddle. It was so cute. I tried not to giggle, but I couldn't really suppress it.

He's an angel and I don't deserve to feel the love that I feel. It's like heaven on earth.

Almost two years old!

Oh I'm so in love with that boy! He is getting to be a toddler and he has opinions and wants. Like he doesn't like it when I break up his oranges for some reason. Like, it will make him cry. And when I do it, he says, "Back? Back?" Like, "Will you put it back together?" He is talking a lot and knows tons of words. And he says things to me that I can't believe he has picked up on. He parrots really well, and can say most things, which means I have to be careful. I need to stop saying "sucks" even though it's like one of my favorite words.

Joseph had a great New Year's Resolution this year, and that was to start reading the real Book of Mormon (versus just the cartoon one that we had been reading). So we have been doing that every night. And now Conley says, "Gipshers?" It's so cute. And he says "mine" a lot, so we are working really hard on teaching him to say "please." He gets better at that every day.

He taught himself to get out of his crib. He calls it horsie (his maneuvers) because he straddles the front side and gets over. He's a pretty proud guy when he does it. But last night he got out of his crib four times, and he only would go to sleep at 10:30, when we did. So we lowered the mattress down. Joseph and I decided that we won't let him sleep with us anymore, unless it's after 6 AM. I'm sad because I love the snuggles. But it is healthier for all of us and Conley will sleep better. I want him to be pretty independent about sleeping by the time Eloise gets here.

The weather has been so nice lately, like in the 50s. And it puts me in such a great mood. We have been on walks and to the park twice, and I just love it. And Conley loves being outside. He always wants to wear his snow boots out there, even when there is no snow.

His best friend is Jay, and they greet each other by saying each other's names and then growling. And they chase each other and giggle. And Conley doesn't really sit still anymore. So Sacrament Meeting is usually quite loud and funny and loud and busy busy. Joseph is sweet and always takes care of him, though. He's the best. Today they made it a half lap around the chapel, during the Sacrament prayer, before we caught them.

Conley gives great kisses. And hugs. He is really affectionate still, and he will be pretty nice to other people and it makes my heart so warm.

This week is Valentine's Day, and I love this holiday so much. So I decorated with garlands and we are having play group and joy school at our house. We are making valentines and decorating cookies, and we are going to bring cookies to Joseph's class on Tuesday. I'm so excited. And I just love love and pink.

Conley has these two jet planes books that we got at the library. He loves them so much that he literally couldn't fall asleep last night. It was so cute and funny.

Cute stuff Conley's been doing lately

Conley is just such a sweet boy. He is so affectionate. He loves kissing and hugging and snuggling, of course when you get him in the right moment. But most of the time he really is willing to give mama (me) a kiss or a hug. He is a good listener. And he is so sweet to other kids. Sometimes he tries to take toys away and things like that. But he is usually really sweet and happy when he sees other kids. He calls babies "baby" and knows when they are younger than him. His best friend is Jay, who is in our ward and lives close to us. His parents, Kayla and Michael, are good friends of ours and we hang out occasionally. Conley is teething right now, so he gets up at night sometimes (and it's getting really super cold here, like in the teens or lower at night, so I think sometimes he is cold, even though we fill his crib with blankets AND double layer his jammies). When he does, we usually put him in bed with us and he always rolls right over to me and snuggles with me. It's so sweet. I can nuzzle my head right into his little neck and he just lays there on his back and sleeps. Gosh, it's so cute. My mouth just waters and I just fall in love with him all the time every day. Anyway, here's list of some things he has being doing or saying lately:

• He calls boots "boops."
• He kisses my belly and lifts up my shirt and points to my belly when we ask him where the baby is. Usually he will give me a low hug around my waist right after that, too (without me telling him).
• He loves coloring and he calls is "cuh-er." He is getting pretty good at it! He also likes chalk, and he can say chalk.
• When he counts, like getting ready to jump off of something, he says, "1, 1, 1!!!!" It's so funny.
• He repeats most things we say.
• He folds his arms really well and says "Amen" at the appropriate time when we pray. He will even stop eating (without my telling him to) when we pray (if he's already started).
• He loves hide and seek and being chased and tickled. 
• He sticks his chin out for me so I can bounce his chin with mine.
• He still loves peek-a-boo.
• I've been singing the ABCs, and then he tries to sing it. He doesn't quite do the ABCs yet, but he says sounds that sound like letters.
• He kisses me through the slats in his crib after his naps.
• He can "why" (Thai bow).
• He loves cars so much. This week our friend and my VTee, Connie, gave him a bunch of cars, and he is just obsessed. He could sit there and play with them for a long time.
• He is pretty good at getting in to stuff; tonight Joseph walked down to the kitchen and Conley was elbow deep in powdered sugar.
• His favorite food is probably yogurt. He discovered marshmallows lately and really loves those. 
• He loves Beth and has never forgotten who she is. He always wants to video call her when I suggest it, and he always gets really hyper and excited and tries to hug her. Like he sticks his little hands toward the phone like he is going to put his hands through the screen and hug her. It's so cute. 

Snuggles

I had a really hard time when when I was in my first trimester recently. The hardest part about it, harder than being really sick and tired and having no motivation and feeling depressed, was not enjoying being with Conley. I wondered about my purpose as a mother, and I didn't feel important or useful. And it broke my heart because I used to look at him and think how cute and sweet he was and how lucky I was to be his mom and just spend each day with him and how excited I was to raise him and things like that. Thankfully since being out of my first trimester those feelings have gone and I feel like I have come back to the way I felt about him and about being a mom as I did before. But I still want to choose to feel those things in case in the future I get depressed or something like that and have to really encourage myself to feel certain feelings instead of just letting them come naturally and with ease like they are right now.

This morning I snuggled with him and it was just so fun and wonderful and heavenly. And I just love snuggling him and being close to him. I could do it all day. I feel like the longer I'm alone the more I love snuggling. That's one reason I'm really excited for a new baby is because of all of this now. I'm also excited for the opportunity to show Conley love and to choose to be with him and to play with him even when there are other options come up because I think there will be a lot more options now that we have two kids. Will be an interesting lesson to learn how to balance two kids. I've also learned lately how much I need to reach out to Heavenly Father and ask him for help and confidence and fulfillment and guidance in my thoughts. Need to reach out to him before I reach out to others and seek to vent to others.

Lately

Gosh Conley has just gotten so cute and so smart lately. He says so many words and he understands almost everything, it seems like. I love spending all day with him. I look forward to it when I wake up in the morning and I miss it when I got to bed at night. He leads me through a day full of adventure and excitement and newness and sweetness.

A few weeks ago, he woke up at 1 AM and wouldn't go back to sleep. Wouldn't. I tried a few times to let him cry it out, but he really wasn't interested. So I just got up with him and went in his playroom and he played for an hour while I read Go Set a Watchman. It was so fun and cute to watch him. After an hour or so, he crawled over to me and wiggled his body into the crook of mine and snuggled. So I took him back to bed with me and he fell asleep and we snuggled from 5 to 9. It was the sweetest night and I'm so glad it happened.

He does little things that show me he loves me. That night, Joseph got him one of the times, and I heard Joseph put him down on the ground in his bedroom, and his little feet slap, slap, slap, slap the ground as he walked into our room. He came right up to me in bed and crawled in and hugged me. It was so cute. I'm so grateful for the little guy.

I'm pregnant, and not very far long, and I have been saying "baby" and then pointing to my stomach. And he is starting to get the hang of it. But yesterday I got so sad when I started thinking about Conley not being my only baby anymore. I thought about the 18 months of our life together and how perfect it has been.